Forgiving
by crazygrrl98
Summary: AU. Doesn't exactly follow JA. After the events on Melida/Daan, Obi-Wan struggles to earn Qui-Gon's trust again...but the Council doesn't agree for Obi-Wan just displayed another scene of anger...
1. Forgiving

Title:**Forgiving**

Disclaimer: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon belong to George Lucas, Bruck belongs to Jude Watson

Spoilers: Some major ones from Jedi Apprentice #5

Rating: PG 

Obi-Wan brushed his hair out of his face and tried to focus on the present. It was hard. Qui-Gon stood by the doorway, his face unreadable and impassive.

He gave a short nod to his master. No, his former master. 

Qui-Gon was equally tense, knowing that the fate between him and Obi-Wan was about to be announced. After the confrontation on Melida/Daan, Qui-Gon was still unsure about the path he wanted to take with the boy.

"Let's go," Qui-Gon said. Obi-Wan thought that just for a second he had seen a look of reassurance in Qui-Gon's eyes, but it was gone. He was sure that it had been there. A flicker of hope dashed inside him.

Qui-Gon turned and walked slowly to the door of the Council Chamber. _The boy. His fate has been decided even as I think. But if the council says no, can I fight them for the boy?_

He heard Obi-Wan's footfall behind him. The younger Jedi seemed hesitant, seemed anxious. _Of course. It is his fate that shall be decided._

Qui-Gon pushed open the doors of the Council room. Thirteen gazes met his and then turned to Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan tried to retain his dignity and composure as each master scrutinized him. He followed Qui-Gon's bow and tried to stay standing.

"Young Kenobi," Mace Windu started. "You have broken a breach of the Master/Padawan relationship. Such things are not minor and we are still at lost on your future. Of course," Mace paused and looked at Qui-Gon. "The weight of your future lies on Master Qui-Gon."

"What do you mean, Mace?" Qui-Gon asked calmly.

"I mean that you will decide the boy's future. If he becomes your padawan, he will remain a Jedi. Do you, or do you not, take this boy, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as your padawan?"

Qui-Gon froze and did not attempt to recover his composure. He saw Obi-Wan's eyes slide to his before they turned away, downcast. He couldn't accept the boy, but neither could he crush such a promising boy's hopes. And he definitely could not crush Obi-Wan's hopes after all they had been through together.

"Understand we do, that take time, this will," Master Yoda said, interpreting his former apprentice's thoughts, "Wait, the decision can."

Obi-Wan wiped his palms on his tunic. Qui-Gon didn't look at him, but Obi-Wan could see the indecision streaming through his former master. "Yes, thank-you," Qui-Gon said. "Obi-Wan…where will he stay?"

The masters exchanged a look. "With you for now." Mace sighed and looked pleadingly at Qui-Gon. "We have no room. His old room is someone else's now. I believe that by tomorrow afternoon we can open up a room for him."

"That is all I can reasonably ask," Qui-Gon responded. He bowed and gestured for Obi-Wan to follow him. Obi-Wan hesitated before mimicking Qui-Gon's bow and leaving the room. His cheeks were flushed. To think that the very man he had betrayed would have to decide his future!

He had a very good feeling what Qui-Gon would decide.

They were just out of ear-shot of the Council when Qui-Gon spoke, "Obi-Wan, I want to you realize that my decision is still not solid. I still want you as my apprentice, but you can't just trust someone because you want to."

"I understand," Obi-Wan said, a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Do you?" Qui-Gon asked gently.

Obi-Wan paused. He didn't feel as if he could just talk to Qui-Gon as if they were still Master and apprentice. The tension was obvious and Obi-Wan could feel the slight coldness that Qui-Gon was harboring towards him. He hesitantly nodded and wished that something would happen so he could get away from the master to sort out his feelings.

"I see," Qui-Gon said simply.

Obi-Wan fidgeted uncomfortably as Qui-Gon looked at him directly. His sharp blue eyes swept over Obi-Wan's tightly clasped hands and nervous composure. "I will be in my quarters," Qui-Gon said, "Come no later than 8."

"Yes, Mas - " Obi-Wan started to say automatically. He quickly corrected himself and blushed. "Yes, Qui-Gon."

Qui-Gon gave the boy one last questioning glance before heading off. He needed to do some reflecting himself.

* * *

Obi-Wan gave a sigh as Qui-Gon walked away. He didn't think he could stand the tension any longer. It seemed obvious to him that Qui-Gon was thinking how to best tell that he no longer wanted Obi-Wan. His footsteps dragged on the cold stone floors as he remembered how he had struggled so madly to become a padawan.

Then he had blown it.

As he walked, he wondered why he had been so stupid. He knew Qui-Gon was still healing from the wounds Xanatos had left. He just had to go and open the wounds again. Obi-Wan had realized from the start that Qui-Gon was sensitive to living things. Despite the master's strength and first-impression coldness, Obi-Wan remembered vividly how Qui-Gon's did sparkle with warmth and respect whenever he had seen him.

He had counted on Qui-Gon to reassure him during incidents. Even on the way to Bandomeer, Qui-Gon had been gentle when healing Obi-Wan's wounds. Obi-Wan did not realize how he had relied so heavily on Qui-Gon to comfort him.

It was always comfort at a distance. Qui-Gon had never hugged him, but he had patted him on the back, and praised his achievements. 

Obi-Wan hardly noticed where he was going until he bumped into Bruck.

Bruck was smirking his head off. "Going somewhere, Oafy?"

"Possibly," Obi-Wan replied. He kept his temper in check knowing quite well that a fight would kill any chances he had left.

"Well," Bruck drawled. "I suppose that now you won't go anywhere."

"Is that so?" Obi-Wan was forcing himself to remain calm. He tried counting to ten. Then 100. Then 1000.

"Yeah," Bruck said. "Too bad your precious master isn't here to hold you back." He laughed. "Oh, wait. You don't have a master anymore."

Obi-Wan felt his frustration bubble up inside him. Rage that had long been restrained from Cerasi's death burned once more. He felt his anger and desperation combine into something that he couldn't control. Fear swam around, forming the familiar trio.

"Be quiet," he said, his voice ominous.

"Make me, Oafy-Wan," Bruck taunted. "Go ahead. Attack. Show me that you're the boss. Too bad Qui-Gon will never see what a pathetic padawan he reared. You can't even show a _younger_ initiate that you, the _older experienced former apprentice, _is the boss."

Obi-Wan struggled with his feelings. He knew Qui-Gon would kill him. He knew…

"Please stop it," he yelled, his anger rising to incalculable levels, "I can't hold it back any longer!" He screamed through his shields. Qui-Gon had to come. Qui-Gon had to stop him before he did it. Qui-Gon had to…

He heard Bruck scream as the other realized that Obi-Wan was right on the edge of losing control of everything. He backed away and tried to run, but Obi-Wan, seething with rage, caught him. Bruck was whirled around. He saw Obi-Wan's glazed eyes.

"You - will - pay," Obi-Wan snarled in short bursts.

Bruck closed his eyes just as Obi-Wan dropped him. Darkness swarmed through Obi-Wan. "Please - " he pleaded the fates, "please stop it!" Than all his anger exploded and Obi-Wan fell backwards, his head reeling until he knew nothing more.

* * *

Obi-Wan woke up in the medical bay. He saw no one around and tried to relax. But he remembered. Remembered the look in Bruck's face just as he had done - done - something. He sat up and saw a Healer click her tongue in warning.

"Not so fast, Kenobi," she said. She pushed him back down. "The Council needs to speak with you as does the famous Qui-Gon Jinn."

"What about Bruck?" Obi-Wan asked anxiously.

She looked seriously at him. "There is no Bruck living in this Temple anymore."

Obi-Wan struggled to consider her words. "How?" he started to ask before clamping his mouth shut. "How can there be no Bruck living in this Temple. I saw him today…" he trailed off as realization hit him.

"Saw him, killed him, what's the difference?" the Healer asked sharply.

Obi-Wan laid back down in shock. Killed? He closed his eyes in trepidation as he recalled the anger he had felt. He recalled the anger that had threatened to overwhelm him…and apparently it had. He opened his eyes again and saw the Healer looking compassionately at him.

"I apologize, Obi-Wan," she said. "I had not meant - I mean, I knew it was an accident. I just hope that the Council and your master will see it the same way a Healer would." She rested a hand on his forehead. "And yes, your master knows," she said, catching his thoughts. "He heard that rather loud plead you made through the Force."

Obi-Wan sank back down. So Qui-Gon knew.

"You're in some mighty hot water," she said softly. "Especially with your master."

Obi-Wan didn't reply. He was feeling light-headed. He had killed someone. As if to double his guilt, he had killed someone in anger. His feelings had devoured him.

He opened his mouth to reply just as the door slammed open.

* * *

Qui-Gon was standing in the doorway, looking so irritated that Obi-Wan tried to look away. "You're coming with me, young man," Qui-Gon said stiffly.

"Now there, Master Jinn," the Healer said rationally. "Obi-Wan is tired. Let him rest awhile before you argue with him."

"Now."

Obi-Wan saw nothing to do but to walk slowly to Qui-Gon's side. It would have been better if they were master and apprentice, he thought nervously. At least then there would be some compassion with Qui-Gon. Or maybe not.

Qui-Gon's hand clamped down on his shoulder. Obi-Wan winced under the blow. He saw the healer stand up and give Qui-Gon a sharp look.

The hand eased its pressure slightly. Qui-Gon half pushed him out the door before saying angrily. "What in the name of Sith were you doing?"

"Doing?" Obi-Wan said in puzzlement. "I was walking down the hallway when Bruck stopped me. He said something about me being pathetic at my abilities so I - "

"Killed him," Qui-Gon finished. He leveled a glare at Obi-Wan and saw the boy look away uncomfortably.

Obi-Wan looked sullen. "That's not the whole story," he muttered silkily.

"Listen, Obi-Wan Kenobi," Qui-Gon ordered sharply. "I would have not cared if he had told you that you were the only person in the Temple who can't beat a referee droid. The point is you, not him. You couldn't control your anger and you know that this is not the first time this has happened."

Obi-Wan wanted to cry out in frustration. He instead remained silent and struggled to consider Qui-Gon's words.

"You may have very well killed your chance of being a Jedi," Qui-Gon said. He looked at Obi-Wan carefully. "Obi-Wan, this is what I meant. This is what almost prevented you from being a Jedi. This is what is now preventing you from being a Jedi. Just what exactly do you want to prove?"

"Nothing!" Obi-Wan cried out. "Qui-Gon, I do regret killing Bruck! It was an accident that I take full responsibility for! I just couldn't hold it in…and his taunting made me lose it. Ever since Cerasi and Nield and - and Melida/Daan -." 

He broke down into tears and was stunned to feel Qui-Gon hug him gently. He leaned into the older Jedi's arms and tried to relax with the soothing Force Qui-Gon sent him through their still-remaining bond. The words Qui-Gon said next stunned him.

"Tell that to the Council, Padawan."


	2. Forgiving...Part 2

Part 2

"But you said that the decision was mine," Qui-Gon protested. He folded his arms across his chest and frowned. "Mace, you promised that the future of Obi-Wan was in my hands. I answer your question: yes, I do take Obi-Wan as my padawan."

"But you see," Mace said firmly, "Back than, Obi-Wan had not killed Bruck. We had thought that his anger was under control. You are not ready for another anger-prone apprentice."

Qui-Gon frowned. He had been protesting for over an hour now and the council wasn't relenting. He started to reply, "Mace - "

Mace Windu ignored him for a moment and turned to Obi-Wan. "Obi-Wan, you have, once more, violated the trust of the council. Qui-Gon may choose to ignore your deeds, but the death of someone by anger is intolerable. We know of your past experiences with Bruck and let's just say that this death caps it off."

"It was not - " Obi-Wan argued.

Mace held up a hand. His eyes sparkled with warning. "As I was saying," he said louder, "This is the action we will not tolerate because we are _Jedi_. Your anger has caused problems before. So, we will have to dismiss you from the Order due to these actions."

Obi-Wan's eyes widened in horror. Qui-Gon stepped forward, his eyes glinting. "Mace, Obi-Wan has just endured an experience where friends betrayed him, friends died, rejection happened. It was inevitable that his anger burst out because he had no one to confer in. When such a thing happens, it was unfortunate that Bruck was on the receiving end. But surely such an accident does not warrant dismissal."

Yoda spoke up, "Realize we do, a harsh punishment this may be. Yet first time this is not. Again and again Obi-Wan has let anger rule him. Blind him. Time it is for him to see the punishment."

"Past time," Adi said softly. She focused on Obi-Wan. "Obi-Wan Kenobi, you were always a promising student. When you lost your temper and broke a turbo-lift, we excused that. When you destroyed a room, we excused that. When you fought Bruck for Qui-Gon and beat him up, we did, eventually excuse that. Melida/Daan, we have excused. Think, Obi-Wan. We have been lenient with you."

Obi-Wan wished the ground would swallow him. Qui-Gon was defending him fiercely but he knew that he didn't deserve it. Still, part of him screamed _unfair!_ Bruck had more or less caused all those anger issues. _If Bruck wasn't here, I wouldn't have to do this…_

Yaddle looked at Obi-Wan with a neutral expression. "We feel the anger inside you," she said. "It's bubbling."

"Yes," Obi-Wan admitted slowly, "I am angry. I admit to my fault. Anger is my rival and I am working hard to suppress it."

"Why did you say that?" Mace asked curiously.

Obi-Wan swallowed. "I know my faults, Master." 

Qui-Gon rested his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "We know it will take time to reach the _right_ decision," he said slowly, emphasizing, "My padawan and I will be resting in our quarters. Please feel free to rethink your decision."

He bowed and walked towards the exit. "Come on, Obi-Wan."

"But - " Mace said indignantly. "We're not done!"

Qui-Gon smiled challengingly. "So think it through. We'll give you time."

* * *

"They hate me," Obi-Wan said.

"No they don't, Padawan. They need time. Like you, Mace can make hasty decisions."

Obi-Wan flushed. It felt like Qui-Gon was implying that he had made a hasty decision on Melida/Daan. _Melida/Daan. The planet that started all of this. But if it weren't for Bruck, the council would have excused this. If it weren't for Bruck…_

"Nevertheless, Obi-Wan, Bruck was here. If he hadn't, I have no doubt that you have many other rivals - and friends - that would've made you equally angry." Qui-Gon paused and looked at Obi-Wan directly, interpreting his thoughts, "I admit that it might have been me you would have killed if given a chance because I made a mistake. You are my apprentice and it was my duty to listen to your point of view as well." He smiled gently. "And I see now that I was incorrect. Melida/Daan achieved peace."

Obi-Wan met his master's eyes. "I wouldn't have killed _you._"

"Why? How is it different?"

"You're - you're a Jedi Master. You wouldn't have taunted me…provoked me…dared me…or - "

Qui-Gon tilted Obi-Wan's chin up. "Padawan, if you understand this, the council will relent. Yes, I would not provoke you but when you were that angry, with all your rage building up, wouldn't you have released your anger to a friend who jokingly said that you betrayed the Jedi?"

"I guess," Obi-Wan whispered as silently as he could.

Nodding approvingly, Qui-Gon stood up. "Go talk with your friends, Obi-Wan. They will no doubt want to see you. Stay out of trouble too."

"Yes, Maste -, um, Qui-Gon," Obi-Wan said uncomfortably. As he left, he saw Qui-Gon standing by the window, his eyes closed and his head bent forward in exhaustion.

* * *

"Bant!" Obi-Wan called cheerfully.

The slender girl turned and smiled. "Obi! We've been searching for you."

"We?" Obi-Wan asked hopefully. "Garen and Reeft here too?"

Bant lowered her eyes to the floor. "Um, we being Reeft and me."

Obi-Wan tried to hide his disappointment. "I see." Curiosity made him ask, "Why?"

"Obi, I know you don't want to hear this, but Garen made a slight change in friends. He, um, decided that perhaps being friends with us isn't good on his reputation, so he joined with Aalto."

Obi-Wan restrained from barking, "_You're damn right I don't want to hear that_!" Instead he took deep breaths. "Well, let's find Reeft. Where could Reeft be at this time of day?"

The two exchanged knowing glances. "Race you to the dining hall," Obi-Wan said and took off.

* * *

The boy's posture was familiar. He was smirking and twirling around a bronze lightsaber. The way his hair was swept back into a ponytail reminded Obi-Wan strongly of Bruck. The same posture, the same white hair. Obi-Wan swallowed hard.

"Garen," Obi-Wan said as he looked at his former friend.

Garen sneered. "Well, well, well, if is isn't Oafy-Wan and his dumb friends." 

Aalto laughed loudly and pounded Garen on the back. "You tell 'em, Gar."

Reeft looked uncertain. "Obi, maybe we should leave." 

Obi-Wan faced his friend in surprise. "Leave? And leave Garen with these pathetic losers?" He turned and looked steadily at Garen. "Perhaps, Garen Muln, that you have forgotten that we were once your friends. You confided in us everything. Including a certain name you once called Master Yoda…" he left the sentence hanging.

Garen threw himself at Obi-Wan who crashed to the floor. His former friend slammed a fist at him and Obi-Wan felt blood gush from his nose. He retaliated and kicked Garen in the stomach. Flipping upwards he head-butted Garen again and lashed out with his fist. Aalto punched Obi-Wan's head backwards and he cried out in pain as Garen kicked his legs out from under him.

Reeft sprang in to help but Aalto knocked him backwards. Obi-Wan pummeled Garen a few times before Garen managed to get on top of him and yank his braid. Gritting his teeth, Obi-Wan struggled to his feet as Bant tugged Garen away.

"Jeez, you don't want to kill him do you?" she asked in disgust at the bloody Obi-Wan, Garen, Reeft, and Aalto.

Obi-Wan scrambled to his feet and was about to launch at Garen again, but a strong hand stopped his movement.

Glancing upwards, Obi-Wan felt his stomach quake. There was none other than Master Windu…and he did not look happy. 

* * *

That night, Obi-Wan crept out of bed and looked at Qui-Gon. The master was sleeping peacefully, buy Obi-Wan had a suspicion that Qui-Gon was exasperated. Earlier that day, they had been called before the council again to discuss the fight and Qui-Gon had argued his case until the clocks chimed twelve. They had been dismissed for the day.

Qui-Gon had played the part of a concerned master and had helped heal Obi-Wan's injuries before sending him off to bed. Next, Obi-Wan had heard Qui-Gon preparing new arguments for tomorrow. 

Obi-Wan sighed. He had caused Qui-Gon a lot of trouble and made himself a heavy burden on Qui-Gon's shoulders. The only way he saw to resolve this was to leave. Slowly, Obi-Wan placed a fresh tunic in his travel bag. He threw in a few other odds and ends before considering his lightsaber.

Only Jedi could wield lightsabers and Obi-Wan knew that well. The lightsaber was his companion, his trusty tool. He had felt the loneliness of not having his lightsaber and the dangers it had brought. He remembered how the Force had seemed to be gone until he had his 'saber back when he was on Melida/Daan.

Qui-Gon turned restlessly and Obi-Wan looked gently at the Jedi. "I'll miss you, Qui-Gon," he said, a lump forming in his throat, "But this is the only way to resolve this situation peacefully. And painlessly." He rested his hand on Qui-Gon's hand and squeezed it gently. "Goodbye…Master."

Hesitantly, he laid his lightsaber down on the table across from Qui-Gon. He turned and left without a backward glance. The honor was his to claim no longer.

tbc 


End file.
